Having friends after having kids

I miss my friends.

In my twenties I had a really big group of friends. Some were closer, some less so, but they were all great friends. I imagined that getting married and having so many friends would mean opportunities for lots of shared experiences; for my kids to get to know their kids, parties, sleepovers and all the things good daydreams are made of.

What I never expected was that parenting would be so all-consuming. I probably should have known better, but as almost every parent discovers, you just don’t believe what it’s like until you’re in it. You don’t believe everything you’ve heard until you start to experience it yourself.

When we had one baby – even one who never, ever slept – we managed to still see friends. Not a lot, but there were still dinner parties and we invited each other to the kids’ birthday parties. We were still present in each other’s lives.

When our twins arrived, I started to drown. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but 3 kids under 3 including a set of twins… life got hard really fast.

My support network quickly became the people I felt comfortable enough asking for help from - our parents and a couple of very close friends. I was happy to catch up with everyone else, but the likelihood of me coming up for air long enough to realize I hadn’t talked to them in forever (and at a time when I was near a phone) were slim to none.

I started to lose touch with people I knew before and started to find communities of people in exactly the same situation as me – people who could commiserate about sleepless nights, crying babies and not having a life. I knew my single or childless friends didn’t want to hear about my life, but I didn’t have much else to talk about. I didn’t have the energy to reach out and try.

My kids are nine and six now and I’m just starting to come up for air. I’m still tired and there always seems to be something going on, but I’m happily treading water and within reach of a floating dock. I have time to think about the friends I once loved and spent time with - those friendships that I let slide during the years of early parenthood.

And all that time to think brings up the Big Questions. Have too many years gone by for me to bring that friendship back to life? Do we have anything in common any more? Do they think I abandoned them because I didn’t like them or do they understand that it was just because I was concentrating so hard on keeping my own head above water?

I’m not sure what the answers are, and I don’t know what will come next. I just know that we now have the capacity to get a sitter and go out for dinner with friends. I even have the energy to have a conversation at the same time! I know that I’m getting closer to the point where I’m going to want to start hosting dinner parties again, and I have more and more to talk about that isn’t kid related.

I miss the friendships of my twenties, and hope that one day they may be re-kindled. Life as a parent has changed me far more than I ever expected, but to be honest, it's been for the better. I like who I am now, and I’m grateful for all the people who acted as my life preserver. My forties are right around the corner and I have no doubt a whole new adventure waits for me in that stage of my life too!

by Lara Wellman

Happy mother, happy child

“The best gift a mother can give her children is a happy mother”, I often hear myself say.

I’ll tell you up front: I am a happy mother. I take good care of myself. I feel no guilt, ever. And my child is a well rounded happy individual.

How is that possible?

Me - travelling solo

My mother was not a happy mother. She suffered from depression in a time when there were no antidepressants. She took “pills for her nerves”, sleeping pills and a lot of alcohol. Our existence as a family was tumultuous to say the least. And so, at age fourteen when she left, I told myself that if I ever had children I would be, if nothing else, a happy mother.

I realize now that she was sick and I am not, which makes it easier for me to be happy. However, that pact I made with myself as a teen has come in handy many times during the last twelve years of motherhood. Like a mantra, I would recite it to myself when times were hard. I have also used it with my friends, neighbours, coworkers and family members on numerous occasions to help them cope.

I realize that a big part of our unhappiness as mothers is rooted in guilt.

As women, are we naturally guilty creatures? Are we programmed that way? I would argue no. I would also argue that it's the women with a lot of resources available to them (supportive partners, friends, money etc.) that tend to feel the most guilt.

It IS possible to be the mother we want to be for our children and take care of ourselves at the same time - without feeling guilty!

Here is an incomplete list of things I do for myself without a drop of guilt. :

1. I take a bath every night

In fact, I have taken a bath every single night since my daughter was born. She has another parent, after all. If you do not have the support of the other parent, take a bath instead of doing the dishes. 

2. I don’t do chores all the time

The picture on the right is the current state of my sink. I’m waiting for the child to empty the dishwasher and this morning, instead of doing dishes, I wrote a blog post. The state of my kitchen doesn’t affect anyone’s life in the least.  

3. I go to the toilet alone 

She will survive for two minutes without me. (Disclaimer, the dog and the cat are exempt from this rule.)

4. I have hobbies

I’ve been to yoga and zumba classes, and gone curling and running, and get massages when I want to. Without her. She has another parent, after all; and now she's old enough to stay home alone.

5.  I go on trips without her

The first one was my honeymoon (New York) for three days when she was fourteen months. Then at age tree (London), and four (Dublin) and ten (Palm Springs) and eleven (Turks and Caicos) - all for one week each. Why not? When she eventually leaves home, my husband and I will be left behind, together. We might as well nurture that relationship before we become strangers. Plus, children benefit from healthy relationships with grandparents, uncles and aunts, neighbours and friends; and as a bonus, they have a blast. It’s a holiday for them too.

6.  I go shopping alone or with friends - without calling home

In fact, I’ve done this so much that I now have to beg her to come with me. She does, which makes me happy!

7.  I don’t always clean up after her

Shocking, I know. She can do it herself, and learning to be a disciplined human being is a great asset.

8.  I save my money

She can pay for the frivolous things she wants as she gets an allowance.

9.  I don’t share my treats

I got a box of Turtles for Christmas. And the same way I would not take her Halloween candy without asking, she would not take my treats without asking. Most of the time when she asked, I have said no. She survived.

10.  I don’t always serve her 

She is capable of getting her own glass of whatever (what she could do at what age varied, but kids are often more capable than we think.)

11.  I let her, and even ask her, to serve ME

I show her gratitude, of course.

12.   I read undisturbed

Sometimes with a glass of wine and in front of a fire! She has another parent, after all.

13.  She occupies herself

I don’t always play with her or organize her a playdate, and I didn’t even do that when she was little. She learned to occupy herself, and now she loves and even needs her alone time.

14.   I sometimes watch what I want on the television, even when she is awake 

I've watched my share of Max and Ruby and Phineas and Ferb episodes to last two lifetimes. She can go do something else.

15. I do date nights

I go out alone with my husband all the time! My daughter goes to friend’s house and has a good time. We started this when she was three years old.

Are you gasping? I promise you, I feel no guilt.

I don't know if I've always been like this. I often had to take care of myself as a child, or maybe I taught myself that I am worth my own time.  Nevertheless, my daughter is smiling most of the time! She is happy.

You might wonder if I dislike my child or if being a mum is not something I particularly like. That could be, but no. I would spend every minute of every day with her. I often do, actually. I have always loved being her mother, even when I wanted to throw her out the window (can I say that?) My husband and I love having her around and we prefer a trip with her than without her. 

You might also think you can’t do any of these things because you have lots of children. Well, your children have another parent too. He or she can manage without you; they have a right to. They might even surprise you with their abilities. You have to remind yourself that he will do it differently. My husband and I joke that if I die, my kid will be dirty but well fed, and if he dies, she will be clean but malnourished. In fact, I once came back on a late Sunday afternoon from a weekend away and my kid was sitting in front of the television with her father, still in her pajamas. Her teeth and hair looked like they hadn't been brushed in days. Yet, she had this wonderfully goofy smile on her face. I guess she had enjoyed her break from me, too.

And remember, your children also have grandparents, aunts and uncles and friends who are just waiting for you to ask them to enjoy your children’s company, even for an hour or two.

Trust me- you are worth it, your child is worth it, and your family is worth it. Without the guilt.

by Angèle Alain

Eating on the cheap when food prices soar

Many families have noticed the rising food prices in our monthly food bills. A combination of factors - climate change and the Canadian dollar being two biggies - have led to slight hysteria over $8 cauliflower (and those who are vegan, or cooking for family members with severe allergies, I totally get why the price of cauliflower is upsetting!)

We've managed to keep our food bills relatively low ($100 per week for a family of four) by using a few strategies that I've been using long before prices went soaring:

1) Grow your own food

If this sounds complicated to you, it's probably because you're making it complicated. Of course you can spend hours and hours tending to a veggie garden (as we do,) but if that seems daunting, why not start small? Choose several veggies you eat regularly, and grow those - don't even bother with seeds, and just get the seedlings from your local nursery. Throw them in the ground, don't forget the water, and then harvest! Choose veggies that are not prone to pests and require little care - kale is a great veggie to start with. Don't forget to freeze half your harvest for that summer taste in the wintertime.

2) Buy local

Go back 100 years and take a look at what cold Canadians were living on in the winter. All those easy-to-store veggies like potatoes, carrots, squash, onions and cabbage are cheap and so versatile. Of course you will miss cucumbers, but just think of how excited you will be when the first local cucumber makes an appearance in the grocery store!

3) Sacrifice variety, not taste

I hate to break it to you, but this is only going to get worse. Climate change will wreak havoc on our food systems. Eventually, buying food from other countries will be a thing of the past (except for those few millionaires or billionaires who will be able to afford to do it.) So why not take baby steps right now to get used to this future reality? And don't despair - just because you don't have a variety of fruits/veggies doesn't mean you give up great-tasting food. Learn to cook vegetables a different way, or play around with spices. Avoid buying berries from Mexico, and enjoy the frozen berries from Ontario in a smoothie. Spring and summer will come again, I promise you!

4) Budget, budget, budget 

Gourmet crackers and hand-squeezed orange juice always get me!! I'm a weakling when it comes to great, handcrafted food, but I tend to resist when I know I'm on a budget. My family has had great success with this cash budget, and it's what keeps our grocery bill under control.

5) Make your own

I hesitated to add this tip, because honestly, I've stopped making many things at home (other than dinner, of course!) My full-time job just doesn't allow me the time, and on weekends when I used to do "batch cooking," I'm now running off to teach prenatal classes or take my kids to skiing and swimming lessons. That said, I can find time at least once a month to throw on a couple dozen muffins or whip up a big soup. But I'll admit, I still reach for the packaged goods when it comes to crackers and bread. We wait for sales, and use the Flipp app to price match when possible.

I realize for some, $100/week in groceries is still very high. I know several families living on $50/week, and I do aim to reduce our bill further. More time to cook things from scratch would be wonderful, but I'm working with what I've got right now - and I suspect many of you are too! 

What does your monthly food bill look like? 

Child misbehaviour and parent bashing: The case of the exhausted parent

by Angèle Alain

There has been many, many articles circulating online lately about how this generation of school aged children is the worst there has even been; that the parents of those children (I am in this category, as my child is twelve) are failing at parenting for a million different reasons, generally revolving around lenience, electronics and lack of time.

As a teacher, being around some groups of kids can be a challenge, but I wouldn’t say that all children have parents who are failing. In fact, the majority of students are polite, helpful, hard working and pleasant. But even those students can be uprooted by an off kilter group dynamic; you can see it clearly in the classroom when one child eggs on another, and then it snowballs from there. 

I find it shocking to meet the parents of those disruptive children, because I have preconceived notions of what they will be like (e.g. the lazy coddlers we keep hearing about in those articles) We have a tendency to judge other parents - maybe it’s because we are all performing the "fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants parenting" and feel inadequate most of the time. We unintentionally try to lift ourselves up by bringing other parents down. But the parents of the disruptive child are usually regular, every day, trying-as-hard-as-they-can parents. They are our friends, our family, our neighbours and our coworkers.

So why does it seem like we struggle at raising our children?

I think a big part of it is time and energy. Society dictates the speed at which we live. We are expected to leave for work at eight in the morning and not come back before six in the evening; we bring work home; we barely get three weeks of holidays a year; and we over-book our evenings and weekends with extracurricular activities. Of course, if we do this because we love our job or love those activities, it’s all good.

But for many of us, is it really what we want? I hear so many people I know talking about working four days a week, taking unpaid leave, or cutting back on activities. Yet they struggle with the decision. Money, pensions and oddly, judgement from others, are often the reasons for not making the change.

After taking the leap myself, I always have comebacks:

My salary will go down: You will hardly notice up to a 20% reduction.

It will affect my pension: You might not even live to get to retire (it's true, and I know from experience. Sadly, my friend who use to talk about "fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants" motherhood died at 40 of heart failure)

People will judge: Will people judge or are you judging yourself based on a definition of success you've created?

My kid deserves these activities: Of course they do, but do they need to do three different ones in the same semester?

Unfortunately, I had to learn all of this the hard way. At age thirty-five, I was diagnosed with cancer. My child was five years old. When I went back to work after a year of surgeries and chemotherapy, I could no longer keep up with life’s speed. I burned out after a year, went back to school part time and quit my job two years later. Now I work three days a week at most. My salary is smaller, my pension was affected and maybe people did judge. Yet, it was the best decision of my life.

Cancer isn’t a gift, it’s a disease. But it was also a great teacher. It taught me all I needed to know about this one life I get, and how slow I want it to go by.

Back to our children’s behaviour

My sense is that many of us are simply exhausted; too exhausted to stick to what we know we should do as parents. When our kids act out at night, when they want this or refuse to do that (another hour on the computer; not doing that chore or going outside; refusing to eat their meal or go to bed) we are too tired to fight them on it. We pick the battles we feel we can win or that we feel are worth fighting: “I know it’s better for you to go play outside than watch more videos, but you are not cooperating and I can’t deal with a scene”. Let’s face it, it’s so much easier to give in than to hold our own with them, isn’t it? My twelve-year-old daughter, a very nice kid on most days, is a four-feet-eleven grouch when it comes to emptying the dishwasher. This is what it sounds like EVERY DAY in my house:

“I hate it, you do it!”

“I hate it too. I hate cleaning your clothes, and doing the dishes, and vacuuming. If you don’t do it, guess who will have to.” (a little guilt, I admit)

“Then daddy should do it.”

“Daddy fed us. It’s our job to clean up. You empty the dishwasher and I fill it and do the manual dishes. We are a family; we have family responsibilities.”

“I’ll do other chores then.”

“No, this is the one I need your help with”.

Grumbles, grunts, sighs and more grumbles. 

You are probably feeling tired just reading this. It would be so much easier for me to get up and do it myself. And I’m usually pretty good at persisting! Luckily, when I do cave, my husband holds tight and reminds me that she needs to learn. Thank god for that.

So if I feel this struggle every day, despite slowing down my life, I can only imagine what other parents are going through. It takes a village to raise a child and many members of this parent generation feel alone. Those parent-bashing article would be so much more useful if they could act as our village and offer help instead of casting blame, wouldn’t they? 

So here's my way of lending a hand to you - take a moment and consider how you might change the way you view success. How could you slow down on this highway of life long enough to get a little rest, find some energy, and stick to your guns when it comes to your children’s behaviour? Ultimately, we all know what we need to do, but on most days, we’re just trying to keep our heads above water. Here's your permission to stop treading water, and swim over to shore.

And remember - we may not be doing everything right, but we are getting a lot right.

Tips for supporting a child with a needle phobia

Taking your baby to get their vaccinations is a simple process. You stick them in the car seat, drive to the doctor's office, and hold them close while they get jabbed. A few tears may fall (theirs and yours), but ultimately, it's a straightforward process.

Then your baby grows up.

Suddenly they're 4 and need their booster shots. And if you live in Ontario and happen to forget those shots (or neglect to update Public Health), your child could be suspended from school.

Most kids make a fuss about vaccinations - who can blame them? It's certainly counterintuitive to sit still while someone wants to jab you with a sharp object. But there are strategies that can help to reduce a child's anxiety, and the nurse will complete the deed without too much fuss.

Unless you have a child with a real phobia of needles. 

Signs your child may have a needle phobia

• They refuse to talk about needles, and get very anxious when you try to bring up the subject. Reading cute kids books about getting your shots doesn't help the situation.
• When you attempt to take them to the doctor, they cry all the way to the office, and don't let up
• Candy bribes do not work
• When the nurse comes into the examination room with the needle, the child goes ballistic, kicking and screaming
• Eventually, the nurse gives up and says it's too dangerous to try to administer the shots

OK, I don't think this is the official DSM diagnosis for needle phobia, but it's the general experience we've had these past two years with my oldest daughter. We have made, in total, FIVE attempts to get her 4-6 year booster shots. Yes, you read that right. FIVE. And each of the first four times ended in frustration and tears for all those involved (except the nurses...they just seemed incredulous.)

Then.....this past week. We, finally, thankfully, blessedly, had the shots administered.

I wanted to share some of our experience on the blog to help other parents who might be going through a similar situation. You know your child is scared - but they're scared beyond what might be considered "normal." 

1) Make sure you have a good family doctor

When we were young and single, my husband and I signed up with an academic family health team. These practices are GREAT for most people - you are participating in a resident's education, you have access to a whole range of services, and you can get last-minute appointments. But then you have kids, and suddenly the whole process of being "practiced on" by new doctors is tiresome. The appointments take forever (because the resident needs to check back with the supervising doctor), and you end up seeing a different resident every time you make an appointment. Our daughter's fear was most likely exacerbated by unfamiliar faces and long wait times. So we found a new doctor! She's young and very friendly, and their offices are SUPER efficient. 

2) Use the #itdoesnthavetohurt "trifecta"

I learned about these 3 handy tips from Erica Ehm's Yummy Mummy Club, and they really changed our game plan. The first is something called an "emla patch" - it freezes the skin and makes the needle less painful (this is great for children who express fear of the pain and not necessarily fear of the actual needle.) You can get these handy patches over-the-counter at your local pharmacy. It cost me $12 for two patches.

Second, you use distraction. I love the idea of blowing bubbles, because it gets kids to breathe deeply, which we all need to do when we're anxious. We just ended up using the iPad and she got to watch her favourite show while she waited, and even during the administration.

Third, remain calm. It seems so simple, yet I could feel myself getting super anxious and tense during previous appointments with my daughter. I know she was probably feeding off of that anxiety. I was embarrassed, because I knew the nurses were frustrated and the whole office could hear the kerfuffle. But really, who cares what people think? Use your own mindfulness techniques to stay in the moment and breathe deeply.

3) Use a different adult

Kids often make more of a fuss when they're with mom or dad. Of course you want to be there for your child when they're afraid, but if they have another trusted adult in their life (e.g. Grandma) who is comfortable taking them, see if that might do the trick.

4) Don't give up

Children change constantly. What was a fear at age 4 may not be a fear at age 6. I do think this needle phobia will continue for my daughter (just because her reaction has been so severe,) but children with milder fears may forget as they grow older.

I'm so happy we are done with this round of vaccinations, and I pray that my daughter will never have health issues that require a lot of needles. But I know if that happens, I will have a lot of tips and experience to fall back on.

Do you have a child with a needle phobia (or maybe you have one yourself?) Leave a comment and tell us how you've overcome it!

*this article was in no way sponsored or endorsed by the #itodoesnthavetohurt campaign. All opinions in this piece are my own, and I'm not a medical professional. Please visit The Centre for Pediatric Pain Research to learn more