Home Daddy: One Man's Choice To Be A Stay-At-Home Dad

With the "Mommy Wars" dominating news headlines, it's easy to forget about the other half of the story - the male half, that is. In the endless debates between working moms and stay-at-home moms, the issue of men balancing family and career rarely comes under scrutiny. According to a report released this summer, stay-at-home dads have doubled in numbers since 1989. And many of these men stay home by choice. The report is American, but the situation is similar here: "In Canada in 2011, 12 per cent of fathers stayed home with children while mothers earned money, up from just 1 per cent in 1976, according to Statistics Canada." (Globe & Mail)

In our family, Daddy's been at home with our two girls for almost a year. My husband made the choice to pursue a new career after losing his job. It wasn't the plan that he become a stay-at-home dad forever, but we budgeted for at least 6-9 months. The fact that this may extend to 12 months and beyond doesn't bother us (much).

In contrast to the overwhelming majority of women who stay home, men don't normally choose to stay home and care for their children. Many of them are at home due to job loss or an injury or illness. The job loss my husband experienced was welcome - his work hours were grueling, and I often joked that from May to October I was a single parent. He worked early mornings, evenings and weekends. It wasn't a family lifestyle we wanted to maintain.

There have been challenges to having my husband be the stay-at-home parent, and many of them are related to the stigma we face. Although no one would say it to our faces, we get the sense that "getting back to work" is what men must do. Most women sigh and say "oh, you're so lucky," when another mother is able to stay at home with the kids. But society generally expects that fathers will need to find work again. After all, what kind of man could be satisfied with the life of a stay-at-home dad? I know my husband has certainly had his doubts, and has worried about his future career and our financial situation (which is actually pretty good for a one-income family!)

There's also my own internal struggle - trying to accept that it's ok for me to be away from my kids. And not only that it's OK, but that I actually prefer it this way. I've done it all in the past - stayed home full-time, worked part-time and worked full-time (even double full-time some months!). The happiest I've felt is working 2-3 days/week. I welcome that time away from my children to re-connect with my own goals and dreams, but it's lovely to have the extra days at home to play, bake, cook and (yes, on some days) pull my hair out.

As some wise women have pointed out to me, we're doing a wonderful thing for our girls. They've developed a strong bond with Daddy, and watch their Mommy go out to do the work that she loves. My oldest daughter gets to come straight home after school, and I know my youngest is learning so much with Daddy.

My husband chose to stay at home to make life better for our family, and I chose to go back to work to make life better for our family. Isn't that all that really matters? The only things I want my girls to believe about all this work/family hullabaloo are:

1) Their Dad rocks 2) Their Mom rocks 3) Gender roles be damned!

Setting Social Media Limits for Older Kids

Teaching your kids to navigate in today’s digital world is getting tougher and tougher. Kids, at least my kids, are becoming more and more tech savvy. While it was easy when my kids were little to completely monitor their online usage – how often they were online and where they went, as my girls grow into teenagers, I must admit it’s getting harder and harder. We have rules in our house about using social media. I know the passwords to every account they have. The computers are in a main area of the house and we talk about online safety all the time. It’s still hard to know where they go. My eldest doesn't need her computer to go online, she now has her phone. And it isn't really a matter of policing their accounts all the time – social platforms like SnapChat immediately delete their messages. In fact, I could delete my daughter’s email account and it wouldn't phase her at all. There are so many ways to connect with her friends.

The main things I try to stress is that what goes online, stays online. Forever. And Ever. And even longer than that. But even this is tricky because while my daughter always needs her friends’ permission to post a picture of them online, sometimes pictures of her with her friends are posted without her consent. That becomes a problem sometimes.

I definitely don’t believe in banning social media use. If I do, she’ll likely go online elsewhere and besides, I think that if she becomes knowledgeable of all the consequences, both positive and negative, it will help her as she grows to learn to use the Internet responsibly.

I try to keep the lines of communications open. I ask lots of questions and try to answer all of hers. I try to keep an open mind and be very calm and non-judgmental because I always want her to be able to come to me with questions or concern. I try but it is hard sometimes.

What are your house rules about using social media? Is it changing as your kids get older?

What's Your Take on Halloween Candy

Every year, my kids go out trick-or-treating and get bucket-loads of candy. I think that half the time, it's not even about dressing up and having fun. It's about how much loot they can score. And that means Halloween is a bit of a dilemma.

After going out and getting all this candy, how much should I really let them eat (and not feel like a horrible mom)? On one hand, it's their candy and they should be allowed some treats; but on the other hand, do I really want them eating a treat every single day until June? I'm pretty sure I don't.

When my girls were little, the Halloween Fairy (or "Switch Witch") used to visit about a week after Halloween and trade the leftover candy for a small gift. That worked pretty well but now that they're older - not so much.

How do you navigate the Halloween conundrum with your kids? Do you take away their candy after some time has passed? Dole it out piece by piece? Or do you eat it all yourself? (like I have to try very hard not to do!)

This mama needs some new ideas.

Talking to Kids About Tragic Events

It was an abnormal day. Daddy was home when the Kid woke up and she got to spend some quality time with him and I got to sleep in. A little after 8 am we left to take Daddy to the train station so that he could go to Toronto for work. The Kid wanted to stay in the parking lot and see the train so we waited, and then she declared she had to go to the bathroom. I picked her up and walked to the station and just before we reached the doors I saw the train coming, so I pointed it out to her and that's when I realized that something was wrong – the train was coming towards the station on an angle. My immediate reaction was to say "oh my god." By now everyone reading this has heard about the crash between the train and the bus that morning. We didn't realize at that moment what was happened on the other side of that train. We went to find Daddy and check in because clearly his plans would have to change.

I'm a news junkie as it is, and seeing an incident made me want to know that much more about what was happening and the news got worse and worse through the morning, but I knew immediately that I had to be very careful about what my three year old saw and heard.

She knew from my immediate reaction that the train wasn't supposed to do that. She said she wanted to stay to see the next train and we had to explain that trains probably wouldn't be moving any time soon.

But at an age where she picks up on everything we're saying, how to I continue to protect her from the news? And what about as she grows older and understands more?

When I dropped her off at preschool I informed the teacher of what she had seen, and that she had mentioned the train again a couple of times and might bring it up at school. The first question I will need to ask her when she gets home will be if she has any questions and doing my best to answer them. I will be mindful of things she says over the next few days.

If she were older I would tell her that a bad accident happened and people got hurt, that there are ways people like us can help, like checking in with our friends, donating blood and sending thanks to our emergency services workers.

I don't believe in shielding my child from the world because I know that someday it would all come crashing down around her, but I do believe that there are things she can handle at this moment in time and things she cannot. This is a house where we pay attention to the news so I can't just keep her in the dark.

At any age talking to her will be key. Talking to her about these things will teach her that talking helps and is always allowed.

I sought out some resources that I wanted to share:

• Sesame Street has a parents section on their website with tool kits for dealing with different issues and they have produced some videos for parents as well;
• A handout for parents from the National Association of School Psychologists;
• A post on the New York Times website for teachers about helping students deal with difficult events in the news;
• A post from PBS Parents with strategies for speaking to your children and
• A post from the Mayo Clinic about talking to children at different ages.

I'd love to get a conversation going about this to find more.

Get Over It And Say Cheese

If you’re anything like me, you often cringe when you see pictures of yourself. For me, I always think twice before getting into a photo. I prefer to be behind the camera, not in front, and since my girls are wonderful subjects, I take tons of pictures. I have pictures of them all over the house. Last month, my kids went off to camp. As part of her “going away” preparations, my youngest daughter wanted to take a small photo album of her city friends, her cousins and her family. All of us. Even me. This did pose a problem since I have very few pictures of me with my girls. As I said, I’m the one mostly behind the camera.

When I tried to explain this to my daughter, she said, “But Mom, I want to have lots of pictures of you and me.”

It makes sense, of course, to have pictures of my girls and I for posterity. So why is it so hard? I know that when she’s older, or even when she has kids, it will be so wonderful to pull out pictures of us when we were younger. I know my kids (or grandkids) won’t be care about extra baby weight, a bad hair day or if I'm in sweats or covered in paint. All the reasons I give for not being in pictures will be irrelevant. My kids will (hopefully) only look at the pictures and remember the good times, the hugs and the smiles and the love. So, from now on, I am now going to make an effort to say yes to pictures. I mean, don’t you love looking (and laughing) at pictures of your parents when they were young?

How do you feel about being in pictures?