Five Tips for Your High Needs Child

I remember writing on my personal blog a long time ago about my high needs toddler. This was a little girl who had grown from being a high needs baby - one that requires constant holding and comfort (and will scream bloody murder the entire time).

Well here we are two years later, and I can say that the "high needs" part of my child is the gift that keeps on giving ;)

My daughter is extremely smart, engaging and often hilarious. But with her intensity comes extra challenges:

• Clothing is still her enemy. She has a handful of things she will wear over and over. Anything that is restrictive is out of the question - no arm cuffs, no jeans or pants with buttons, and only specific socks will do.
• Obsessive compulsive - she likes to repeat certain activities or patterns. For example, bedtime must consist of the exact same routines and words repeated, or she tends to lose it.
• Picky eating - food cannot touch each other on the plate, and she freaks out over various ingredients. She doesn't like "black specs" in her dinner (i.e. spices), "chewy meat" or meat with fat, and certain textures are tough for her to swallow.
• Drama queen - any tiny cut or scrape is blown out of proportion. If it's actually a serious injury (like the time she fell off her bed onto her front teeth), you can expect hysterics to the point of passing out.

Although all of this sounds like we should be bringing her to the doctor for an assessment, I can say with certainty that we aren't dealing with any developmental disorder. She has done very well in all-day Kindergarten, and tends to save her emotional releases for home :) She is learning to write and read, and has no trouble socializing with other kids.

What it does mean is that we've had to become creative in finding ways to manage our daughter's emotions. My level of patience has gone up tremendously in the past few years, and I don't lose my temper nearly as often as I used to. It helps that my husband is very creative, and often comes up with great solutions!

1) Make things into a game. She won't go pee? Ask her if you can "pump" her arm to see whether pee will come out. Won't get dressed? Pretend her pants go on her arms and get her giggling.

2) Routine, routine, routine. I've mentioned my daughter is slightly OCD. Although she does well when we go on vacation or go out to special events, most days she thrives on a very strict schedule. School is actually a great place for her, because she knows what to expect. We find it more challenging when she is at home with nothing to do!

3) Wear them out. Staying at home and just "hanging out" does not go over well with our daughter (actually, it might be the parents who suffer the most!) We always go out and do something, even in a snowstorm! She also enjoys swimming, museums, gymnastics and soccer.

4) Don't sweat the small stuff. Really, is it a big deal if she decides to wear the same outfit three days in a row? We've learned to put our foot down over anything that could be dangerous, but have tried to relinquish power for many other things. That's not to say we don't have rules, but within those rules is a lot of flexibility (e.g. she won't wear her coat because "it feels funny." Our rule is that she has to carry whatever she chooses not to wear. Usually within seconds she's decided it's too cold outside not to wear her jacket!)

5) Be empathetic, but don't cater. We respect that our daughter has a lot of big feelings - often giving her a huge hug will help her to calm down a bit. But that doesn't mean that we cater to her every need. She eats the same dinner as the rest of us, despite protests over various foods (we always make sure there's one thing on the plate that she likes). And we DO find our patience runs thin when she's  disturbing the rest of the family with hysterics. There have been times we've chosen to keep her home from outings when she won't cooperate, and she realizes that the consequences are that she misses out on a lot of fun!

Do you have a high needs child? What are some of your tips/tricks for parenting them?

Making Time

The other day I wrote about making evenings work for myself and my husband. This got me brainstorming about ways to also make time for myself. Pregnant with my first child, I never fully appreciated the total lack of time I would have to give to myself as a parent. Both of our children haven't been great sleepers, so we've spent the past 5 years doing both daytime parenting and exhaustive nighttime parenting. So the snippets of time I've managed to find for myself have been spent trying to eat something (mostly chocolate), or collapsing on the couch.

Lately, though, the intensity of parenting during the early years has slowed down (just a bit!). My oldest daughter is becoming more independent, and we've been working hard with my youngest to get more sleep.

Of course, it's easy for this extra time to be frittered away by scrolling through my Facebook timeline or watching television. And hey, I love me some TV and Facebook, but I'm also hoping to focus on my own personal wellness - something that a screen doesn't usually help with.

Here are some ways I've been making time for me:

• I joined the gym! There is a gym at my work, and although it's certainly not pretty or modern, it does the trick. I do a quick 45 minute workout at lunch.
• I take meandering walks. We back onto a ravine, and on my days working from home, I'll take the dog out into the ravine and make my way slowly through the bush. This quiet time to myself has allowed me to do a lot of thinking!
• Instead of pouring myself a big glass of wine when I get home from work, I've been trying to take time to brew a nice cup of herbal tea. I sip on this while getting dinner prepped or doing the dishes.
• I joined a yoga class. Although it's only once per week, I'm LOVING the time I have to stretch and move mindfully

All of these things are so simple, and don't seem like much. But they've made a world of difference. I feel happier, and more grounded. Of course I have goals for finding even more time for myself too :) At some point I'm hoping I'll feel rested enough to get up early in the morning and practice meditation or yoga. I have a ways to go yet, but I think progress has been made.

How do you make time for yourself as a parent?

Recipe for raising a financially-literate kid

Preparation time: 20 years

Ingredients:

• At least one child (more if you are up for the challenge)
• Your words
• Your actions
• Toys
• Money
• Piggy bank
• Debit card
• Credit card
• Various investment vehicles of your choice (i.e. stock, GIC, etc)
• Patience
• Imagination
• Fun

Instructions:

This is one of those recipes that may turn you off because of the amount of work involved and the length of the preparation time. However, making anything great requires time and effort, and the end result makes it all worth it.

Step 1: Start off by teaching your baby/toddler to take care of his toys. Taking care and appreciating our possessions helps fight the need to constantly purchase more new stuff. Use the toys to teach the child to share. This will eventually turn into donating, which is important part of financial literacy. It shows that we are thankful for what we have and want to help out the less fortunate.

Step 2: Once the child starts asking you to buy him things, it is time to start frequently adding a good measure of pep talk as to where the money comes from, how mom and dad work hard to earn money and have to make choices about how to spend our money.

Step 3: When your child is about 5 years old, start giving allowance. The allowance is supposed to be a teaching tool for money management. It may be tempting to withdraw the allowance for misbehaviour, but I urge you to withdraw other privileges such as TV or computer time instead. This way you will not deprive your child of an opportunity to manage and learn about money. You should gently guide the managing process, and let the child learn from mistakes while the dollar amounts are low and stakes are not high.

Step 4: Make sure that as soon as the child receives any money, a portion is saved in a piggy bank or a savings bank account. Explain that by saving money as soon as it comes in, we are paying ourselves first before we spend the rest of the money by paying others.

Step 5: Teach the everyday important money management skills like budgeting, couponing, price matching or how to look for the best deal.

Step 6: Buy a stock for your child of a company that they admire like Apple. Follow the stock and the company, then buy a different investment vehicle such as a GIC.

Step 7: Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of debt and credit cards. Explain credit interest, credit rating and credit history. When your child turns 18, have them apply for a credit card, and for the next couple of years closely monitor and coach credit card use.

Sprinkle each of the above steps with fun and imagination for more enjoyable experience, and don’t forget to add a generous helping of patience.

Enjoy and show off your creation!

Maya Kuc Corbic, CPA, CA is a financial literacy expert. She is an experienced Chartered Professional Accountant and the founder of DINARII Financial Education Academy, whose mission it is to teach children and youth financial literacy skills. They offer fun and engaging workshops to schools. They also hold workshops for parents and provide tools so that parents can continue teaching personal finance at home. You can follow Maya on Twitter: @Educ8Money2Kids, or Facebook: Dinarii Financial Education Academy.

The Soother Fairy Came!

This is my daughter with her soother.....about 3 years ago. She is now 4.5, and yes, still has (had!) a soother. I know, I can hear the gasps now. Trust me when I say this - the timing has never been right. This is a kid who has no other comfort other than her pacifier. She can take or leave any of her stuffed animals, and there is no special "blankie" in the house that is reserved for her. Her only comforts in life have been nursing and "suckie." And since we stopped nursing a while back, suckie took its place. She has been using it only at nighttime for the past year (and very limited daytime use before that).

My husband and I have been talking about removing the pacifier for a couple of years now. It hasn't been done for several reasons:

1. It works! She sleeps well with her pacifier and it means minimal hand-holding at nighttime.

2. Our dentist approved. I know - many other dentists will tell you that it's a problem past the age of 2, but our dentist was ok with us restricting daytime use and trying to encourage her to use it less during sleep.

3. We're lazy tired. We have a 15 month old who has not been sleeping well for a long time, and the thought of losing more sleep scared us!

But alas, the day came. Our dentist told us it was time. Our daughter bites down on the soother throughout the night, which has resulted in a big gap in her bite. This needs to be rectified before adult teeth come in. Plus, she's much older now and able to understand reasoning as to why it needs to go.

So with poking and prodding gentle encouragement from my husband, we came up with a Soother Fairy plan. Just like the tooth fairy, the Soother Fairy comes and takes away the soothers, while leaving a special gift in their place. Hubby went clothes shopping at Carter's and found her some really nice outfits we knew she'd get excited about. He also wrote her a special card, congratulating her on becoming a big girl.

It's now Day 5, and things are going very well. The only problem we've encountered is early morning wake-ups - without the soother in her mouth, she's having a harder time sleeping in!

Did your child use a soother? At what age did you take it away?

What to do when your kids won't sleep - a book that helped us

My 7 year old is a lot like me - a night owl. Every night he would lie in bed and wiggle around and simply not be able to fall asleep.  I sympathize 100% - I still feel that way most nights.  But while I sympathized it also made me more than slightly crazy.

He was up past 10 every night, impossible to wake up in the morning and a grouchy and frustrating person; we were all at a loss at what to do.  A google search suggested a book: What to Do When You Dread Your Bed: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Problems

I was honestly at a "what is there to lose" point so went ahead and bought it.  This book saved the day.

How it works

It's a workbook for a child so the kid in question should probably be in the 6-12 year old age range so he/she can work through it themselves and really understand the concepts.  It wouldn't work for my four year olds.

It goes through all kinds of concepts on why sleep is important, how habits are formed, and how to overcome fears. The best part?  It reinforces a lot of those lessons with MAGIC TRICKS!

It gets the child to make decisions about what will work and what won't and then they follow through an action plan of a consistent routine.

How are things now?

I don't know if this will work for everyone, but our son bought in to the logic behind everything and ultimately he was willing to implement the suggestions in the book.  It took a couple of months to slowly implement but we are now rarely hearing from him after 8:30 pm and he's actually usually asleep by 9.  He's become a far more pleasant person, often running around in the morning helping to make lunches and get everything organized instead of dragging around, crying and complaining of a stomach ache.

It worked for us.  If you have any questions, leave a comment I'd be happy to offer any extra insight.  If you had something help with getting your kids to sleep better also please leave a comment.  I know so many parents who struggle with kids who just can't seem to get to sleep.