What you need to know to survive the zombie apocalypse

by Lara

 Photo credit  Elena Gatti

Photo credit Elena Gatti

I'm a busy parent, you're a busy parent. So I imagine you "get" this - sometimes I need an escape. I need to just chill out, relax, and escape into a good story. And lately those good stories, whether they be on a screen or in a book, tend to be leaning towards the zombie genre. That or post apocalyptic young adult fiction. When I'm relaxing I don't want to have to think much :)

Because I want to be helpful (and because I think we all need to think about things other than kids once in awhile,) I thought I could share with you all that I've learned from watching these shows and reading these books. My tips on the best ways to survive the zombie apocalypse (and probably why I won't survive, to be honest ;) 

1) Own an RV

That’s right. A home on wheels comes in handy when you’re living in a world of zombies.

All the survivors have at least one in their caravans in the shows I watch. It’s the place that people come together as an operation centre (it's where they keep all the maps!) And if you had to choose between a zombie scratching at your tent or a zombie scratching at your RV – which sounds better to you?

For these reasons I keep trying to convince my husband we should buy an RV. We can even use it for regular vacations until the apocalypse! Apparently he thinks it would be more like being locked in a tin can full of arguing children than a vacation, and getting ready for the zombies seems a little too low on his list of priorities.

2) Crossbows

The best weapon for killing zombies is a crossbow. The ammo is reusable, which is key in a world with no new resources. 

I took archery at summer camp as a kid, so I'm going to have to work on my skills. As it stands, the zombies would be all “what are these pesky sticks flying around nowhere near my body?” No way I’d get them in the brains.

I HAVE noticed lately there are lots of new archery and AX throwing centres popping up  – I appreciate knowing people are getting ready for the apocalypse with the right skills.

3) Don’t get left behind

You know how in horror movies when someone says “I’ll just go check out that weird noise in the basement”...you know that person is doomed, right? You’re thinking DON’T DO IT!!!

Same thing happens with people who stay behind anywhere when there are zombies. Always accompany everyone when they are going for supplies, or checking out what's just down the road in that farmhouse. Always.

Here’s the problem: I’m inherently lazy. I’ll know this about being left behind but then I’ll be reading a book in the shade of someone else's RV (someone else who was smart enough to be prepared) and I’ll think “you guys go hunt for supplies, I’ll just stay here and guard the camp”

Toast. I’m toast.

4) Building shelter

People don’t stay in the cities after a zombie apocalypse because that’s where there are the most people who got caught by other zombies, and therefore they're always overrun. That means everyone heads out to the wilderness and you need to create safe shelters that are zombie proof.

Based on my experience with IKEA furniture building, and the stories my husband likes to tell about said furniture building, I am NOT the person to be counted on for safe shelter. I’m all “this looks like it goes here, and this goes that and yup – this looks about right.” Zombies probably won’t follow my directions on how to keep the shelter upright: "Just don’t touch it in THAT corner!!" My husband won't even let me practice so I can improve my skills. He claims he wants all the furniture to be "well-built." Sheesh.

5) Skills

You need a lot of skills to help you survive, so if you’re looking for a new hobby I recommend:

  • gardening – so you can grow your own food when the grocery stores are all empty or overrun with zombies

  • mechanical stuff – so you can fix the old cars and trucks you find when the ones you had broke down

  • orienteering because you want to know how to get to Atlanta or California - once the zombies come those are the two most important destinations. Atlanta, because that's where the Centre for Disease Control is (do you see how much helpful knowledge I have?!) 

So there you have it - my tips on surviving the zombie apocalypse.  If you don’t already have an RV, make a run for the closest RV store when the zombies attack. Start practicing your archery skills now, get your building and mechanical skills polished (because there are only falling down houses and old cars from the 80s) to be found.

And most importantly....don’t count on me, because the zombies will probably get me first!!